Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 July 2010
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 July 2010 |
Bulletin Bloopers
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
An elderly gentleman...
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!'
#joke #doctor
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!'
Chicken legs...
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.
He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.
The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.
The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer explained, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm gonna be a millionaire."
"How do they tasted?" asked the man.
"Don't know," replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet."
An Orgasmic Problem
A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"
Who's the Boss
I'm at my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at the coffin...
"Who's thinking outside the box now, Gary?"
Adopted Turtle
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”
STEVE JOBS FUNERAL
STEVE JOBS FUNERAL - They put him in this really expensive coffin, then they paid extra for a plastic case to protect it from scratches.
@realjeffreyross on Steve Jobs's funeral. http://on.cc.com/1E45WyW
Stay Over One Night
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.
Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.
Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!
A gang of pirates find themselves shipwrecked on the beach
Luckily there's a harbor near by and the captain heads in to barter for goods. Naturally the captain seeks out the first merchant who is selling booze and requests his finest bottle of rum.
Upon returning the crew is aghast. "All you came back with is a lousy bottle of rum"? Aye boys the merchant says to me this here's a magic bottle of rum. No matter how much yee drink it never goes dry. "You fool!!! He hoodwinked you. There's no such as a magic bottle of rum"! Ah well, no matter, alls I traded him was a ship that'll never sink.
White priest goes and lives with an African tribe...
White priest goes and lives with an African tribe
He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further....
"ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"
"Mmm yes".
"See they are all white, but that one black one?"
"Mmm yes".
"Does that help you to understand?"
"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep."
>Quitting job, and few more jokes
I have decided to quit my job as a personal trainer, because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don't have high blood pressure.
My wife yelled, "are you even listening to me?"
I thought that was a weird way to start an argument.
What are you doing this evening?
Rebecca said,"The Boss asked me what was I doing this evening."
The colleague asked, "So what did you say?"
Rebecca answered, "I said I was doing nothing. He gave me 50 pages to type!"
Two young men from up in Minne...
Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Ole says to the Sven, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
