Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Tricked into watching Happ...

Tricked into watching Happy Days, I fell victim to a Fonzi Scheme.

If at first you don't succeed,...

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Ouch!

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well soon.....From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

This young stud was at his fav...

This young stud was at his favorite singles bar one night, looking over the current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the bar, an absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so. He was used to scoring with much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell.

He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was VERY receptive!! So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild thing, and as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is rewarded with a mouthful of a warm sticky fluid.

"Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?"

"Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!"

Guilt...

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.

Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"

Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."

Buying Your Ticket

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

Twins

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon?

Siamese twins

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Glaci

Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo

I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb!

It's late, the bartender and a...

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"

The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."

A Bad Wish
Two happily...

A Bad Wish
Two happily married 60 year olds were on vacation when they came across a magic lamp. They rubbed it three times and a Jeanie came out. The Jeanie was willing to grant each person a single wish. The wife wished to travel around the world. Then "poof" a bunch of airline tickets showed up in her hands. The man thought about what he wanted to wish for.
He said to the Jeanie, "I wish my wife was thirty years younger than me." Then "poof" he turned into a 90 year old man.
What's the moral of the story?
-Be careful what you wish for.

Real Church Signs

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.

Buckwheat

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

One day a camel and an elephan...

One day a camel and an elephant met.

The elephant asked the camel "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"

The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replied "What a stupid question from someone who has a dick on his face"

Humor About St. Patricks Day

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."



His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

#joke #doctor

Al Gore - Explained

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five

aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside

Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the

military.

March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was

born.

A Multiple Hot Foot

Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?

Two hundred soles were lost.