Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 October 2010

No More Shopping at Target

My wife can be a little demanding at times. For example, she insists that I accompany her when she wants to do some shopping at Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping to be more than a little boring and I prefer to get in and get the stuff I want and go. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse and look at everything. Well, yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store.
Dear Mrs............,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the woman's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here". One of the clerks passed out.

Men who are bald at front of t...

Men who are bald at front of their heads are good thinkers. Men who are bald at the back of their heads are good lovers. Men who are bald at front and back think they are good lovers.

Introduction to Matzoh Ball Soup

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup."On seeing the two large matzoh balls floating in the broth, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. "Try it; if you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally he agreed. He dug his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in his spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual "Mmmmmmmmm" sound could be heard coming from deep within his chest, and he quickly finished the whole bowl.
"That was good" the man said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"

Cats on a fence.

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?".

Return What Is Stolen

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Des Moines, Iowa:
A repentant burglar returned his loot to its owners, along with a note explaining why: "My priest said I done a wrong."
More than $200, a pair of sunglasses and some golf balls were found Monday morning on the steps of Potthoff Foods Incorporated, a meat wholesaler.
"He took my sunglasses, but I didn't know he took them until I got them back this morning," sales representative Phil Barber said. "You know, I don't think something like this happens that often. It's sort of neat. The guy did wrong, but he tried to make it right."
The break-in at Potthoff's happened late Friday or early Saturday. The thief pried open a door and rummaged through some desks.
Potthoff officials said they're not going to depend on the honesty of thieves' nature in the future.
"We are adding an extra security system today," Barber said.

three men

there were three men on a cliff and what ever they wished for it would come true. so the first guy jumps off the cliff and wishes he was a bird so he could fly home. The second guy wished he was a dolphin so he could swim home then the last guy tripped over a rock, fell off the cliff and said OH CRAP!!!!!

Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...

This co-worker of mine, who I dont know well at all, comes up to me and goes, Hey Jessi, I dont know if anyones ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank. I didnt really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, Was Anne Frank hot?

What does the starship enterpr...

What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.

One Chinese person walks into ...

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to
him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the
Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."

Two men were hunting deer when...

Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.

The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.

The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.

He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."

Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing ...

Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.
When did this first happen?

Next Tuesday.

Mexican Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Guys and Dolls

Two drunk guys try to pick up some girls. The girls take the drunk guys home, slip blowup dolls into their beds and leave.
The next morning, the one guy tells the other guy, I think my girl was a witch! When I bit her on the tit, she hissed and flew away.

Three old ladies sit in a...

Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Bad temper problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!