Jokes of the day for Sunday, 05 December 2010

Gymnasts do not like Paris nei...

Gymnasts do not like Paris neighbourhoods. Especially when it's a wrong dismount.

Mrs. Sullivan and her little d...

Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, “Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?
“How do you mean, change her min?” asked Mrs. Sullivan.
“Well said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”

Nuthouse Suicide

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Dogs Not On Computers

Why Dogs Don't Use Computers

1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
   
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
   
3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
   
4. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
   
5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
   
6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
   
7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
   
8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
   
9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
   
10. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
    
11. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
    
12. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
    
13. Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
    
14. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
    
15. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
    
16. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
    
17. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
    
18. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
    
19. Too Hard To Type With Paws.
    

Biblical Bumper Stickers

Adam: "You are what you eat."

Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."

Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."

Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."

Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."

Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"

Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."

At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"

At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"

Geoff Keith: Teaching My Girlfriend About Hanukkah

I am Jewish; my girlfriends not. She did buy me eight presents for Hanukkah, though. I was like, Why did you buy me eight presents for Hanukkah? Shes like, Eight presents, for the eight nights of Hanukkah. I was like, You idiot, theres 32 nights of Hanukkah -- and I like electronics. Now, go to the mall. Religious minimum: $50 a gift.

"A White House spokesman ...

"A White House spokesman announced today that Vice President Dick Cheney's recovery is exceeding his doctor's expectations. You know what that means? He's still alive." -- Jay Leno

A woman came home, screeching ...

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

A young blonde was on vacation...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

The Wedding

A police officer pulls over th...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

The Island of Trid

Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Business one-liners 20

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Cop-out number 1. You should have seen it when I got it.

Create a need and fill it.

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.

Creditors have better memories than debtors.

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Dare to be average.

Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.

Definition of an elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

A study in the United Kindom s...

A study in the United Kindom showed that the kind of male face, a woman finds attractive can differ on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.

Boat Troubles

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.