Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Santa Claus - now that's...

Santa Claus - now that's a fellow with charisma. Say what you like, the man has presents!

Steven Hawking came back from ...

Steven Hawking came back from his 1st date in 10 years. Glasses smashed, broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees....... Apparently she stood him up!

The Sign

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

A Moral Question

One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

A big-rig operator stopped to ...

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.

"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

"It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said.

After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"

A part in the play...

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Where Does He Work?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced,
"Nothing. He's an economist."

Go away

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Yisman

Lewis Black: Christian Calendar

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you dont care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. Its unbelievable! How long does it take you people to shop? Its beyond belief. Its insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasnt poking his ass into it!

Singh stormed up to the front ...

Singh stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, sir?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

A college student picked up hi...

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

A little girl is sitting on he...

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."

Lightbulb Joke Collection 40

Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles !"


Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.


Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.


Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb???


Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it with the lights off.


Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.


Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: There is nothing to change.


Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.