Jokes of the day for Friday, 07 January 2011

Dear Pun Gents...

Dear Pun Gents, I work at a paper and we need a funny pun for a Valentine's Day Gift Guide section. ~Beth, Madison, GA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

There were two buddies, one wi...

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

How Many Women?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Three hymns

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.

The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A Letter To The Editors

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.

How many sheep do I have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

Tommy Johnagin: Pallbearing Honor

Its supposed to be an honor to be a pallbearer. Ive never been carrying a casket, thinking, This is an honor. Im thinking, This is heavy. Are you guys even lifting back there? Its like dead weight on my end.

An elderly man and woman meet ...

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

A Few Drinks

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

Did you hear about the new com...

Did you hear about the new computer virus?
It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".
Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

A man placed some flowers o...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

Conway Twitty, Is That Really You?

A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”

Traffic lights camera
A...

Traffic lights camera
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

Battle of the sexes - The female perspective

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1) In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing
like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be
a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!"
and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.
2) I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to
take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your
football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation
incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
3) Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell
them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.
4) And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
5) After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not
expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I
let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
6) I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
7) In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position
you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie
there, grinning.
8) I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform
you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll
invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to
stay.
9) After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And
if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have
"ruined me for other men".
10) I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and
remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will
only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in
charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of
course.
Signed:____________________________________
Date:________________