Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 11 January 2011

I never gain weight in winter....

I never gain weight in winter. Because I wear coat regularly.

Teacher: What does your father...

Teacher: What does your father do for a living?
Student: He is a magician.
Teacher: what is his favorite event.
Student: He cuts people in two.
Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have?
Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....

Signs In Heaven

Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws closer he sees there are two lines; a short one and a long one. He walks to the front of the long line and sees a sign written above the head of the angel in charge:
THIS WAY TO HELL>> MEN WHO LET WOMEN WEAR THE PANTS
He decides that this line is just way to long and goes around to the other line where a sign reads;
THIS WAY TO HEAVEN>> GUYS WITH BALLS
There is only one person in this line and he is a small, frayed and withered old man. Bob just has to know and so he asks, "Why are you in this line? I mean are you the only one going to heaven?"
The little man turns to him and whispers gently, "Keep your voice down, Lillith told me to stand here!"

Honest...

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."

She leaned forward.

"Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Crocodile Is Longer

Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.
Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.
Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.
From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Winding his clock

There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his chop sticking out of his pants!

The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing?", to which the Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial."

The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his "3:35..."

"That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.

Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time.

The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40".

The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.

After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off.

The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing?" to which the Indian replies, "Me winding clock."

The new mother got out of bed ...

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.
"What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting," the nurse exclaimed.
"I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new mother replied.
"You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby."
"You don't understand," the woman said and frowned.
"My baby already has a FIRST name!"

A young boy had just gotten hi...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study & said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little & get your hair cut, & we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back & again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment & replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair ..." To which his father replied, "Yes, & they WALKED every where they went too!"

Rabbi in the Catholic Hospital

Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."

Even More Top 10 Signs You Hav...

Even More Top 10 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

10 - Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.

9 - No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...

8 - If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

7 - Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.

6 - That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

5 - You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's license.

4 - Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

3 - Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.

2 - Your name is Ted Kennedy.

1 - The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.

One night, as a couple lay ...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Fun at the zoo!

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

I was out walking with my 4 ye...

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)

A police officer responded to...

A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the officer asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."