Jokes of the day for Friday, 27 June 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 27 June 2008 |
After a series of tests, the 3...
After a series of tests, the 3 top candidates were chosen for a final interview with the CIA Director for a job opening. The first one's interview went really well... so the Director says: "I think you are the right man for the job, there is just one last thing you must do to prove your loyalty, here is a gun, go to the next room and shoot your wife."The man stands up and says, "Sorry Sir, I can't do that" and walks out. The same thing happens with the second applicant. The third guy's interview went well, so he is asked to prove his loyalty to the future job in the same way.
The Guy takes the gun, goes next door. The CIA Director hears : "Bang...".. pause ...... "Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang." ..... long pause..... then a scuffle and noises...... silence. The third applicant returns to the Director's office and says" Some Idiot loaded this gun with blanks... so I had to strangle her!"
Even More Top 10 Signs You Hav...
Even More Top 10 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem10 - Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.
9 - No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
8 - If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
7 - Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
6 - That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
5 - You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's license.
4 - Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
3 - Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
2 - Your name is Ted Kennedy.
1 - The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
Black eye...
One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
If Andy Murray decides to have...
If Andy Murray decides to have an early night does he go to bed at tennish?Once upon a time, there ...
Once upon a time, there was a nonconformist sparrow who decided to not fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather had turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth nearly frozen solid, landing in a barnyard.
A cow passed by where the sparrow had fallen and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy and able to breath, the sparrow started to sing. Just then, a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend; and if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
From a fortune cookie: "Sorry,...
From a fortune cookie: "Sorry, no fortune today. Enjoy your cookie."A Midget Fortune Teller
Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.
Assorted 1
What's the difference between a man and a condom?Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.
What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.
Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.
What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.
Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?
He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.
Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they always dribble before they shoot.
Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?
He was destined to a life of DIY.
What are the three types of men?
The handsome,
the caring and the majority.
What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.
What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.
What's the nicest thing about a n*dist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.
Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?
Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.
What do you call a Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
a tip for the ladies in ...
a tip for the ladies in the audience: "Bite Me!" is not near the insult your mind believes its going to be.Ever go fishing?
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
Monday is better when it starts with new Jokes
If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...
"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".
I asked a pretty, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
When you go to church in the morning you say, "Amen." Cunninghams Law - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong". Where do bad rainbows go? Which is faster, hot or cold? Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens… It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter…
But what is of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.
Prism.
It's a light sentence.
Hot, because you can catch a cold
For hispanic attacks.
They are calling it Apollo G!
It was raining cats and dogs!
A little girl asked her mom...
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"Her mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked mom but she said the dog was in heat and that should ask you."
Her dad said, "Bring Susie over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Her dad said, "Where's Susie?"
The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."
On their first date, a man ask...
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.'"
National Hug a Plumber Day Jokes
It’s National Hug a Plumber Day on April 25! Find few sort jokes and one bit longer joke about Plumbers What do plumbers and teachers have in common?
They both gotta deal with little crap all day.
What does a plumber say in a library?
"Pipe Down!"
What vegetable do plumbers hate?
Leeks.
What do plumbers and economists have in common?
They both deal with gross domestic product.
Why was the plumber tired after a day's work?
Because the work had been too draining!
What is the similarity between a plumber and a bodybuilder?
They both like to pump irons!
When the plumber had a near-death experience, he almost saw his entire life flush before his eyes!
What do you call a plumber who has become super and has his own game?
Super Mario!
A plumber received a call from a woman, requesting his help with a leaky pipe in her apartment. When he arrived, he was pleasantly surprised to find that the woman was quite attractive and had a stunning figure. As the afternoon progressed, the two grew increasingly close and intimate.
Around 5:30 p.m., the phone rang, interrupting their passionate rendezvous. The woman answered the call and then informed the plumber, "That was my husband. He's on his way home, but he'll be heading back to the office around 8 p.m. If you come back then, we can continue where we left off."
The union plumber stared at the woman in disbelief and responded, "What? On my own time?"
