Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 22 March 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 22 March 2011 |
Lepers live and die by...
Lepers live and die by the sore.After the christening of his b...
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed allthe way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you
guys."
Operating Room
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
A little help please...
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
Always By My Side
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Kyle Kinane: This Is America
This is America. It is my God given right to be loudly opinionated about something I am completely ignorant of. Cat Jokes 04
Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A: He felt funny!
Q: What's striped and bouncy?
A: A tiger on a pogo stick!
Q: What is the cat's favorite TV show?
A: The evening mews!
Q: How can you get a set of teeth put in for free?
A: Smack a lion!
Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!
Q: How is cat food sold?
A: Usually purr can!
Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A: A tiger moth!
Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
A: 'Let us prey.'
While the bar patron savored a...
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating.""I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
There were four men, one from ...
There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and onefrom Australia.
One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, "my country is the best cause we have the great
wall."
The Greenlander said, "no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass."
The American said, "no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes."
The Australian said, "no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag."
Too Little, Too Late
A man arrived at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter opened the gate and said, “I’ve been checking your file. I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I’ll tell you what—if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, I’ll admit you.â€
So the man answered, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of thugs attaching a poor man along the side of the road. So I pulled over, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron, and walked straight up to the gang’s leader—a huge, ugly guy with a chain running from his nose to his ear. Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, “You all leave this poor man alone! Go home before I teach you a lesson you’ll never forget!â€
Impressed, St. Peter asked, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in your file. When did all this happen?â€
"Oh, about two minutes ago.â€
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Top 10 Reasons You know you ar...
Top 10 Reasons You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And you can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason you know you are too old to go Trick Or Treating...
1. You have to go home to pee after every other house.
A small boy is sent to bed by ...
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.five minutes later:"Da..aaad""What"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
five minutes later: "Daa....aaad..."
"WHAT!?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! Ifyou ask again I'll have to spank you!"
five minutes later.."Daaaa....aaaad!"
"When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?"
A prisoner in jail receives a ...
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."Top 10 Reasons You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
Sunday prayer...
Have you heard about 4-year-old Sammy who was asked to return thanks before Sunday dinner? The family members bowed their heads in expectation, and he began his prayer:
"Thank you God for all my friends: Joey, an' Susan, an' Billy, an' Tommy," and on and on he went, naming each friend one by one.
Next he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.
Finally he got to the food.
"Thank you God for the turkey, an' the dressing, an' the fruit salad, an' the pies, an' the Cool Whip..."
And then he paused.
The pause was almost deafening, and all eyes were focused on young Sammy with his head still bowed in prayer.
Finally (almost when Father was about to interject an "Amen"), Sammy looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
