Jokes of the day for Monday, 02 May 2011

Dear Abby

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.

Count from one to ten. That's ...

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...47 times.

Funeral expenses

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that “there is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000.”

The friend asks, “How can that be?”

The widow says, “Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks. The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, “$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?”

The widow says, “Four and a half carats.”

I am paranoid about pickpocket...

I am paranoid about pickpockets. I have nervous of steal.

New phone app.
You know th...

New phone app.
You know there is a lot of money to be made by developing a useful phone app.
With the fitness craze and everyone being weight conscious I put my brain cells to work on the project.
I want to announce the Newest phone app available for tracking progress in your fitness program. It is called the Personal Scale App. This is how it works. You program your I-phone or Droid with my new app. Place it on a hard surface like a tile floor and then stand on it. The phone will record your current weight and display it on the screen. My only problem is it only seems to work once.

An eccentric philosophy profes...

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an 'A' when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Drinking again...

A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.

When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Keep That A Secret

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."

Redneck quickies 36

You might be a redneck if...

You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.

You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.

Warp drive describes the condition of your car.

Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.

You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".

You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.

Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday and you like it.

Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.

When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.

You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.

Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.

You have a clawfoot bathtub.

You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'.

You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.

Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.

Burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.

You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wife’s birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.

You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.

Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts.

You think a computer hacker carries an axe.

David Alan Grier: Stopped Smoking Reefer

I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.

The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.
“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.
“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.
“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”
“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”
The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.
Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”
“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”
“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”
“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”
The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.
In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves.
They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”
“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Recently a teacher, a garbage ...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Why do the Vikings play in a D...

Why do the Vikings play in a Dome?
Because even God can't stand to watch!

Feels great...

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!"

She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!

He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great".

Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible."

The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!"

An Englishman wanted to become...

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

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Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Needs front end alignment.
Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
Network constantly loses packets.
Neurons are firing non-sequentially.

"Information? I need the ...

"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."