Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 11 May 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 11 May 2011 |
Shopping trip...
Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the cashier inquired.
"No," she replied. "But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
God offered Chuck Norris the g...
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.Equation of earnings
The Equation
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
Work = Power * Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work = Knowledge * Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work ÷ Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
The latest mathematical theory...
The latest mathematical theory was delta blow. It was like lambda to the slaughter.What did the spider email to t...
What did the spider email to the fly?Visit my Web site!
Birthday Party
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
During a political debate the ...
During a political debate the politicians were asked to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.The first one, a democrat, came up with an answer right away. He said, "One of my hobbies is painting, and no matter if I paint with water colors, or oils I always fascinate people with my work."
The second politician, the republican, said "My grandfather was a magician, and when ever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops, or magic balls he would always fascinate us."
The third politician, an independent, said "I don't know if I can do that."
The MC of the debate said, "Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give it your best."
The third politician thought for a while then said, "I know this gal, one time she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten buttons on it, but when she went to button it her boobs were so big that she could only fasten eight."
Doctor Doctor Collection 06
Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!
Doctor, Doctor I've broke my arm in two places
Well don't go back there again then!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog
Your just playing too much croquet!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a yo-yo.
Are you stringing me along!
Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do?
Saw the legs off of your bed!
blonde getting a haircut
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".
after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"
David Alan Grier: Stopped Smoking Reefer
I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos. Cowboy in Church
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd still feed him."So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
At NC State University, the...
At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?
Fighting Irish Humor
McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.
When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said,
"I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"
Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.
Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"
"I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"
The four stages of life....
1. You believe in Santa Claus2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
After having their 11th child,...
After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Mississippi and Alabama.
A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate...
A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia.Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer,
"What is your business in Australia?"
"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.
The customs officer then asked,
"Do you have a conviction record?"
Confused, the Kiwi then replied,
"I didn't think you still needed one."
