Jokes of the day for Monday, 27 June 2011

Nagasaki never had a bomb drop...

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

School theatre

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. “I play a man who's been married for twenty years.”

“That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part.”

Any argument about where to pi...

Any argument about where to pitch a campsite results in a tent situation.

An elderly couple is beginning...

An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast."

Summer Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators at the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Occasionally, airline attendan...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make their announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wings."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude, so I am going to switch off the seat belt sign. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Horoscope humor...

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
ER, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned- out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Oklahoma Crazy Law

It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

It is illegal to wear your boots to bed.

Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.

Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car.

Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.

No one may spit on a sidewalk.

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings. (Repealed)

Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television.

It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle.

Whaling is illegal.

Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

Tattoos are banned.

Residents are taxed for the furniture in their homes, and any other personal belongings. (Repealed 1998)

People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

Ada

If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail.

Clinton

Molesting an automobile is illegal.

Hawthahorne

It is unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

Oklahoma City

No one may walk backwards downtown while eating a hamburger.

Schulter

Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.

Tulsa

You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.

Elephants are not to be taken into the downtown area.

Wynona

One's mode of transportation must be tied up while not attended.

Mules may not drink out of bird baths.

Clothes may not be washed in bird baths.

Yukon

It is illegal to tie a horse in front of city hall.

While passing another vehicle, you must honk your horn.

#joke #animal #dog #horse #bird #mule #elephant #fish #food #eating

Cake

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.

It's called wedding cake.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Jim Gaffigan: Easier for Attractive People

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and theyre attractive, you think, Oh, theyre nice, but if a strangers ugly, youre like, What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

Persevere!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

A brunette who really hated bl...

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'

Sinking boat

There's a boat sinking out at sea with men, women and children on it, along with a minister, a rabbi, and a priest.

The minister said, "Oh my god, will somebody think of the children."

The rabbi said, "fuck the children."

The priest said, "Do we have time?"

Jon Reep: Southern Accents

People think youre an idiot. I dont know where they get that idea. But when they hear my accent for the first time, I can tell theyre looking at me and theyre just waiting for me to say something like, What are shoes for?

Black eye...

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

Today was little Johnny's...

Today was little Johnny's birthday.
He decides to behave in school so he wouldn't get flogged. He gets to St. Marges and goes through his first five classes behaving. All of the nuns were super impressed; even told him so.

He comes to his final class of the day and thinks,
'OK, I've been good all day, now get though this forty minutes and I'm home free.'

Mother Superior, the witch herself, he thought. He stayed alert and answered ever question effectively; even Mother was impressed and told him so.

Five minutes before the class ended Little Johnny's eyes got heavy and he nodded out for a second.

"Little Johnny" Mother Superior exclaimed. "Time to go to the discipline room"
"No Mother! Please, I really tried to behave."
"I know," she replied; "But rules are rules."

So he follows her to that dreaded room. She then tells him. "You know, you are now twelve years old and at the age of accountability, so your punishment will be different this time trousers down, young man!"

So as he pulls his pants down, and he happens to glance back and passes out because of what he saw.

Little Johnny awoke to his mother's concerned voice in the nurses' office.

"What happened Little Johnny?"
"Mother Superior was gonna flog me."
"Yes, so why did you pass out?"
"S-- S-- She put a- a- belt on?"
"So!!!" His mother was getting upset with him.
"B-- B-- B-- But, it had a long wee-wee like daddy."

A Midget Fortune Teller

Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.