Jokes of the day for Sunday, 21 August 2011

A duck walked into a bakery on...

A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.

The baker said, "We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here."

So the duck left.

The following day the duck went back and asked again.

This time the Baker said, "No, if you come here again I will nail your feet
to the floor."

The following day the duck returned and asked, "Have you any nails?"

The baker replied, "No."

And the duck said, "Well, I'll have two pork chops then."

They were going to release a C...

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

Hilarious jokes-Birthday party

Knowing Your Spouse

One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, “Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on.” And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, “I just know I left the iron on.”

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.

Football and Confession

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest.

At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. “I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents.” “Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin',” the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

“That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents.”

“Saints preserve us!” the priest said, making another chalk mark.

“There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the . . . in a sensitive area.”

“Oh, goodness me!” the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. “Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?”

“Southern Methodist.”

“Ah, well,” said the priest, wiping his sleeve, “boys will be boys.”

Caesar accused Brutus of canni...

Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. “Ate dudes, Bruté?”

A duck walked into a bakery on...

A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.
The baker said, "We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here."
So the duck left.
The following day the duck went back and asked again.
This time the Baker said, "No, if you come here again I will nail your feet
to the floor."
The following day the duck returned and asked, "Have you any nails?"
The baker replied, "No." And the duck said, "Well, I'll have two pork chops then."

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

The black eye...

Mr. Bailey saw his son's shiner and demanded, "Scott, who gave you that black eye?"

"No one gave it to me dad," replied the spunky lad. "I had to fight for it."

Go To The Hospital

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

Wal-Mart Vs Heaven

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Here are the similarities I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates

Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal

Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire

Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God

Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God

Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin

Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: motto - EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully

Wal-Mart: motto - EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!

Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!

Glenn Wool: Uncle Sam

You know who Uncle Sam is, hes that goat-faced dude who dresses like Apollo Creed. Hes always pointing at you. He wants you. Is that really the imagery we should be listening to? An uncle who looks like hes about to touch you? Uncle Sam wants you to keep a secret.

A little boy asked his teacher...

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom,so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'
He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

Misc Women's Rules for Me...

Misc Women's Rules for Men

* Our cooking and menus are excellent - That isn't, however, an excuse for you to avoid cooking
* Buying us something does not constitute foreplay
* Answering "Who was that?" with "Nobody" doesn't end the conversation - Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
* Believe it or not, you're not more sexy when you're all sweaty
* Silence can mean anything and it could change without notice

Other tidbits

* Women are a pain in the ass, men are a pain EVERYWHERE!
* Men are great! Every woman should own one!!!
* Men are just like computers, and a smart woman keeps a backup.
* Men are only good for one thing... two, if they're good at it.
* Men come in three sizes: small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!
* Men read Playboy for the articles like women go to malls for the music.

What is sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Walking on Water

A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around. The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."

Makin' babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

At a recent computer expo (COM...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty- five dollar cars that got 1000 miles/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And, would you like to see the following:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.