Jokes of the day for Friday, 16 September 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 16 September 2011 |
They once tried to carve Chuck...
They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.Those with dandruff have a cer...
Those with dandruff have a certain flecks a' peel.A lady dies and goes to heaven...
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
Doctor and patient...
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."
Lightbulb Joke Collection 09
Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.
Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all wrong.
Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "We're not changing any lightbulbs at the moment."
Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it better without the lightbulb."
Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
Blonde - Tracks
Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see sometracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The
second one said "I think they are cow tracks". The third one
said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?
They all got hit by a train!
Myq Kaplan: New Game Show
I have a new idea for a game show for people who are high, and its called Can You Remember What You Just Saw? Thats actually the bonus round. Round one is Can You Describe Whats in Front of You Right Now? OK, you got it? Were going to take it away. What was it? We will not accept awesome. Some Really Good Questions
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?'
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “one slice?” How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It's all right?” Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
A dentist was getting ready to...
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
Dating a Nun
Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeerLover
Dov Davidoff: Dressing Up Like a Referee
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guys like, Wait a second, can I help you? I was like, Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together. And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and Ill be like, Do I look like I work here, chief? The other night I was invited ...
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight ... "I promise!"Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said we need a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
Doctor Doctor Collection 08
Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name!
Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Necks please!
Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!
Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!
A woman was sitting at a bar e...
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
