Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 September 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 September 2011 |
Vicky was at a business confer...
Vicky was at a business conference.During a break, she decided to call home collect.
Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a strangers voice say, We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?
Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!
Chuck Norris on a pogo stick p...
Chuck Norris on a pogo stick presents a danger to low flying aircraft.Economy jokes-Harvest crunch
Rules for being human
1) You will receive a body.
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2) You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3) There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately “works”.
4) A lesson is repeated until learned.
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5) Learning lessons does not end.
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6) “There” is no better than “here”.
When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will, again, look better than “here.”
7) Others are merely mirrors of you.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8) What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9) Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10) You will forget all this.
The Rich Man and His Rolex Watch #joke #humor
A rich man opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW."Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my goodness...," replied the rich man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
Things to Ponder
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you're ahead?”
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…
I find that aldermen are too w...
I find that aldermen are too wooden.My First Confession
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
The Teacher had asked the clas...
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in the well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
A Royal Pain in the ...
A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!"
Flying To Frankfurt
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".
You might be a redneck if ...
You might be a redneck if... You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
Your house has a kickstand.
You drive around a parking lot for fun.
Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
You have to duct tape your gloves on.
You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
Vicky was at a business confer...
Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”A funeral service is being hel...
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,
"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"
Moving Testimony
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Three men wanted to cross a ri...
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.A man was driving a horse and ...
A man was driving a horse and cart along a country road at an angle of 45 degrees. After three miles like this, he asked a passer-by: "How long does this blasted hill last?" "This isn't a hill," came the reply. "Your back wheels are off!"I don't own a big house,...
I don't own a big house, but at least I have my legs, ie two man shins.virgin
A woman & her best friend are shopping for a weddinggown. Surprised at her choice, the friend exclaims, "you
can't be serious, how can you wear white?" The woman asks why
not? "Well", said the friend, "this is your FOURTH wedding
and you're not a virgin!" "Oh, but I am" replied the woman.
"How can that be? "My 1st husband was a Gynecologist, and all
he wanted to do was look at it. My 2nd husband was a
psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My
3rd husband was a contractor & never showed up. But don't
worry. This time I'm marrying a lawyer & I know I'll get
screwed!"
