Jokes of the day for Friday, 07 October 2011

Really funny jokes-Fish poaching

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.
I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.
After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.
They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.
"Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"

A musical director was having ...

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.

He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kic...

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' butt. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

T.G.I.F

Contributed by Guy Dittmar

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'

She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.

He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'

The man smiled back to her and once again said, 'S-H-I-T.'

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'

The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means...

'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'!!!

Intelligent life

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA — they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA asked everyone to be quiet as he was receiving a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. “Mr. President,” he said with a broad smile on his face, “After 12 years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars.”

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, “But that's impossible… we could never do it… yes, Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.

He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. “I have some bad news,” he said, “the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars… he wants us to try to find it in the Congress.”

Source: Good Clean Fun

Motherly Lessons

My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don't talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS… “You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING… “You are going to get it when we get home.”

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE… “One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like.”

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE… “If you're going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION… “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL… “If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC… “Because I said so, that's why.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT… “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY… “Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS… “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM… “Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA… “You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER… “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY… “If I've told you once, I've told you a million times – Don't Exaggerate!!!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE… “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION… “Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY… “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!”

Resolving to surprise her husb...

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Star power...

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project -- an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger being courted for the top roles.

Spielberg really hoped to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, as long as they among the most famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."

Knock Knock Collection 191

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Watson!
Watson who?
Watson television!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Watusi!
Watusi who?
Watusi is what you get!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne!
Wayne who?
Wayne are you coming over to my house!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Weevil!
Weevil who?
Weevil work it out!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Welk!
Welk who?
Welk-ome home!

Why did the blonde t

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Pete Holmes: Uncool in Dreams

I cant seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and theyre like, In your dreams. Im like, No. Not even there.

Passover Fish

how thirsty they were after walking so far. They were not able to drink from the walls of Red Sea water on either side since it was salt water.
Then, a fish out of a wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people. Through their own gills, they could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths to become fresh water for the Israelites to drink.
Moses accepted the fish's offer, but the fish and his family also had a demand: Their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal since they had a part in the Passover story.
Moses agreed to this and then said, "Go Filter, Fish!" To this day, this phrase remains the name of the fish (gefilter) eaten at Passover.

A musical director was having ...

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michae...

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.r>r> This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. r>r> Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: r>r> "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Dirty Paddy

An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband. 'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.

Paddy came running in. 'Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.

'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'

Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.

'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try plan C.'

'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.'

'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.'

Paddy replied, 'Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.'

Have faith...

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

Cinderella was sad. She had no...

Cinderella was sad. She had no date to the big ball, and even if she did, she didn't have a dress the wear. Out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appears. The godmother says, "Cinderella, if you want to go to the ball, I can give you a dress, but I cannot give you a date. Do you want to go?"

"Yes, godmother, more than anything!" Cinderella says.

"Well, stand back and let me work" the godmother says.

BOOM!

Cinderella is now in a skimpy skin tight dress.

"Now Cinderella, if you are not home but 3 AM, then your pussy will turn into a pumpkin" the grandmother says. Not hearing what her godmother had said, Cinderella rushed to the ball.

At 3:30 AM the fairy godmother is pacing around the house wondering where Cinderella was. About 3:45 AM, Cinderella walks in with her hair all messed up. "Where have you been!" the godmother yells. "And why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?"

"Oh godmother," Cinderella says."I had the best time of my life. I had sex with this most attractive man".

"Well, that explains where you have been, but why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?" the godmother asks "What was this guys name?"

So Cinderella says, "Um, lets see, um, Oh yeah, his name was Peter Peter, um Oh yeah, Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater"

My mom is amazing. She told me...

My mom is amazing. She told me, “Some women slow down in their fifties, but me no pause.”

Wise Old Man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.