Jokes of the day for Friday, 14 October 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 14 October 2011 |
A police officer was investiga...
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
When Chuck Norris watches a po...
When Chuck Norris watches a pot, it boils immediately.The Prince & The Princess
Contributed by Bob Wingfield
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS. But there was a problem, everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily
ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
October 13, 2011
What Do You Like Best About Me
Contributed by The Florida Dude
I asked the Dudette the other day what she liked best about me....
"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect?"
She replied....
"Your sense of humor, dear."
Hilarious jokes-Retiring Accountant
Educational toy
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. “Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.
“It's designed to teach the child how to live in today's world, madam,” the shop clerk replied. “Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”
Source: CleanJokes4U.com
A special celebration...
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
Scary Collection 61
A witch joke
What is the witches motto?
We came, we saw, we conjured!
A witch joke
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch!
A witch joke
How do witches on broomsticks drink their tea?
Out of flying saucers!
A witch joke
What do you call a witches motor bike?
A baaaarrrroooooooommmm stick!
A witch joke
How can you tell if a witch has a glass eye?
When it comes out in conversation!
A witch joke
What happens to a witch when she loses her temper when riding her broom?
She flies off the handle!
A witch joke
What happened when the old witch went to see a funny film?
The manager told her to cut the cackle!
Hardware Store
Yo mamma is like a hardware store 10 cents a screw!Rich Vos: Best Relationship Ever
The best relationship I ever had -- I used to go out with a homeless girl. Yeah, it was great cause after sex, I could just drop her off anywhere. Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers
An old one, but a good one… 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…” When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services…. You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
6. Say, “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don't have any friends…would you be my friend?”
8. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh- huh, really, or “That's fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.” You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?” Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.” You: “Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh, my goodness!!!” and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)
Several cannibals were recentl...
Several cannibals were recently hired by Talk America."You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised to be good. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the secretary!"
A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
A police officer was investiga...
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
An Irishman is walking along t...
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
Expensive Barbie!
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
