Jokes of the day for Sunday, 06 November 2011

Good jokes-Reluctant father

While sports fishing off the F...

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"


"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"


Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.


About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"


"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.


"Wow," said the tourist.


The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

Filming on location for Walker...

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Bill, Wash Your Face! #joke #humor

Dad: Bill, wash your face! I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.
Bill: What did I have?
Dad: Eggs.
Bill: Wrong. That was yesterday!

Sumos are litigious....

Sumos are litigious.

"Big news coming out of W...

"Big news coming out of Washington, Dick Cheney will be running again for vice president. He says he is very healthy and that he has a doctor watching him 24 hours a day. This is a big improvement, it used to be a coroner." -- David Letterman

Nun on the scale...

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

Fun To Do In Elevators

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
   
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
   
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
   
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
   
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
   
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
   
7. Shave.
   
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
   
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
   
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
    
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
    
14. One word: Flatulence!
    
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
    
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
    
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
    
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
    
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
    
20. Meow occassionally.
    
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    
22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    
23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
    
24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
    
25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
    
26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    
27. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
    
28. Leave a box between the doors.
    
29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    
30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
    
31. Start a sing-along.
    
32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
    
33. Play the harmonica.
    
34. Shadow box.
    
35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
    
36. Lean against the button panel.
    
37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
    
38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    
39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
    
40. Bring a chair along.
    
41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
    
42. Blow spit bubbles.
    
43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
    
44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
    
45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
    
46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    
47. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
    
48. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
    
49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
    

A cold winter night

Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.

He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.

Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.

When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

Donnell Rawlings: SeaWorld Killer

A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. Thats not funny but the headlines were funny: Killer Whale Kills. What the hell do you think a killer whales going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you dont think hed give you no roses.

God Takes a Holiday

Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

While sports fishing off the F...

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

Why did the blonde tip-toe ...

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet.....

so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

A blonde and a lawyer are seat...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Not me!

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.

As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he?d also shit in your pants."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Mike and Bill, are hanging out...

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.

"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.

After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?"

The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it.

Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop.

Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped.

So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."

Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.

After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.

Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."

"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."

Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you *really* ought to see this."

"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?"

Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"

Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.

Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God... We're gonna be rich!"

Jamie Kennedy: New York Pizza

Im like, Hey, Phil, this is pretty good pizza. Hes like, Pft. Its not like a piece of New York pizza. You wanna call that piece of cracker with some cheese and some tomato juice on it a piece of pizza, go head. In New York, we got pieces of pizza a foot wide, five inches thick, whole tomatoes on top, cheese so thick it gives you a heart attack right in your heart -- and you enjoy having that heart attack because its from New York.