Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Funny jokes-Face to face

Undocumented Windows Errors

*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded – System in danger

*WinErr: 002 No Error – Yet

*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file

*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error – Nothing is wrong

*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted – System confused

*WinErr: 006 Malicious error – Disk view found on drive

*WinErr: 007 System price error – Inadequate money spent on hardware

*WinErr: 008 Broken window – Watch out for glass fragments

*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered – No one knows what has happened

*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow – Mailbox full

*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space – Free at least 500MB

*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error – More Ram needed. More! More! More!

*WinErr: 00D Window closed – Do not look outside

*WinErr: 00E Window open – Do not look inside

*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error – Please tell us how this happened

*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

*WinErr: 011 Window open – Do not look outside

*WinErr: 012 Window closed – Do not look inside

*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error – Huh ?

*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked – Try anything you can think of.

*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error – System has been destroyed.
Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.

*WinErr: 019 User error – Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten – Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.

*WinErr: 01B Illegal error – You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that

*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error – Uncertainty may be inadequate.

*WinErr: 01D System crash – We are unable to figure out our own code.

*WinErr: 01E Timing error – Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers

*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes – Remaining errors will be lost.

*WinErr: 042 Virus error – A virus has been activated in a dos- box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found – A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow – Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.

*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

*WinErr: 683 Time out error – Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure

*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory – Only 580,312,583 Bytes available

My car is so fast the payments...

My car is so fast the payments are three months behind.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he...

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Two Commandments

Two Commandments of Whale Diarrhea:
1)Thou Shart Not Krill
2) Thou Shall Not Bear False Wetness

After every flight, pilots fil...

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Nuns at the Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Knock Knock Collection 130

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mira!
Mira who?
Miracle on 34th Street!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mischa!
Mischa who?
Mischa a lot!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Missouri!
Missouri who?
Missouri loves compnay!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mitzi!
Mitzi who?
Mitzi door shut, you'll never know!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Monkey!
Monkey who?
Monkey won't fit that's why I knocked!

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Three bulls heard via the grap...

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

Kurt Metzger: Liposuction

I saw liposuction. You ever see how they do that? Its, like, violent. They get the hose -- it looks like theyre mad at how fat you are.

A little boy asked his teacher...

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom,so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'
He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

Bee in band class...

The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The Sixth Graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no longer. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its demise.

"Is it a bee?" another student asked.

"Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat."

A burglar broke into a house o...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, "All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, "All right, just half of you angels this time!"

A young man looking to get mar...

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone whos' just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

These two guys meet after not ...

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and...

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.