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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 29 November 2011

The female dormitory will be o...

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off-limits to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (8)

Chuck Norris once ate an entir...

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.15/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (20)

SLIDESHOW #106 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Hisspanics

Hisssssspanics are afraid of snakes.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - The Best Burnout EVER!!!!

The Best Burnout EVER!!!! - Proper burnout! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

The robbery....

Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"

Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

#joke
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - BROS AND HOSE

BROS AND HOSE | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (9)

Sweep The Floor


Your first job will be to sweep the floor.
But I'm a college student the young man replied.
In that case give me the broom - I'll show you how.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (5)

Steven Wright 15

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.

#joke
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Really funny jokes-Extremely drunk

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morn ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.89/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (9)

I told my girlfriend last nigh...

I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again.

I asked her why she would say that, and she said, "Because I'm your father."
#joke #short
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (8)

Patton Oswalt: Obituary Fear

My other big obituary fear is, when I die, theyll have my picture, and they always have underneath it, in quotes, He loved to laugh. Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesnt tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh -- youre laughing! Thats like saying, He hungered for food.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 October 2010
  • Currently 3.24/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (29)

During a robbery, one of the r...

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 April 2010
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (12)

Deliverance

It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house.A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence.
The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"
And the Lord answered, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 January 2010
  • Currently 5.93/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (55)

The Perfect Man
The ...

The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.
He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 January 2010
  • Currently 4.96/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (71)

A married couple went to the h...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 November 2009
  • Currently 6.29/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (75)

An enterprising, but bashful s...

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in Korea for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good time.

He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan.

One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?"

He replies, "Rick Venus"

She says, "Lick Penus?"

He says, "Sure how much?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 November 2009
  • Currently 4.87/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (52)

One man said to the other...

One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 November 2010
  • Currently 8.16/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (43)

Chris Rock: Invading a Country with Oil

Let me get this straight. We invade a country with oil, but gas costs more? That dont make no f**king sense! Now I didnt go to no fancy school or nothing, but Ill tell you this right now -- if I invade Kentucky Fried Chicken, wings will be cheap at my house.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 November 2010
  • Currently 5.21/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (33)

The Teacher had asked the clas...

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 November 2009
  • Currently 4.73/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (15)

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