Jokes of the day for Thursday, 01 December 2011
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 01 December 2011 |
Really funny jokes-Seeing Eye dog
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs".
Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while ...
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauc...
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.Automobile Dealership
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it's open!” To which he replied, “I know — I already got that side.” I used to live in a tarp; that...
I used to live in a tarp; that was the ex-tent of my housing.A man and an ostrich walk into...
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
Surrounded by idiots ....
IDIOTS AT WORKI was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.'
Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'
Idiot Sighting #3:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!'
'I know,' answered the young man. 'I already got that side.'
Business One-liners 29
Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty reasoning.
Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation.
Pick good people; talent never wears out.
Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition!
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.
Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; it's easier if it's frozen.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Short Snow Jokes
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?She gave him the cold shoulder!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !
What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !
How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !
Chelsea Peretti: Men and Women Fears
I read somewhere that mens biggest fear is that women will laugh at them. And womens biggest fear is that men will kill them. Kind of different stakes that were working with. But thats why I dont make jokes during sex -- cause I think of stuff that I think would be funny all the time. But I just dont say it cause I dont want to be killed.A guy walks into a bar...........
A guy walks into a bar...........He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.
he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.
after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.
Dating a Nun
Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeerLover
There once was a terrorist cel...
There once was a terrorist cell planning an attack on United States soil. CTU got wind of this and naturally sent Jack Bauer to "recon" the base and call for additional reinforcements if needed. Upon arrival at said encampment, Jack saw that the head terrorists were in one room planning a biological attack. Chuckling to himself, Jack fired one bullet. Just one. That fateful bullet bounced off the walls killing all inside. Pleased with himself for saving ammunition, Jack returned to CTU and savaged the summer intern in situation room 1.An old man was sitting on a be...
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes. The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A manager brings a dog ...
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
Drink fault-finding guide
A solution to all of your drinking troublesSymptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
Private Audience With the Holy Mother
After a long life of unselfish service, Father John O'Malley died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate and said: "John, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, we'd like to do something special for you. You name it; it's yours."
John thought for a moment and said: "I'd like a private audience with the Holy Mother." St. Peter told him it would be arranged.On the appointed day, St. Peter escorted John to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt, and said: "Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?"
Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. She said: "I always wanted a girl."
