Jokes of the day for Friday, 09 December 2011

Aries Spears: Not a Millionaire

Im at a very frustrating point in my career because Im not a millionaire. Like, people assume because youre in movies or TV, youre rich. Im not rich, but Im far from broke. Im what you call a thousandaire.

What did the tie say to the ha...

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I’ll just hang around!

Gifts For A Teacher #joke #humor

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Andy,
Andy Who?
And he bit me again!

Really funny jokes-Stupid superheroes

Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.
Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.
Why is Robin even more stupid?
Because he followed what batman did.
Why is Spider-man the most stupid superhero of them all?
Because he wears his underwear over his head.

It is said that looking into C...

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Chicken-related humour is at a...

Chicken-related humour is at a crossroads.

A young woman visits her paren...

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.” He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” “And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, an...

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all chatting.

Sleeping Beauty said: "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said: "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said: "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.

"It is official: I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply asked,

"Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

Out in the car...

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and the man's girlfriend kissing in the back seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar, laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That darned Pete!" the drunk chortled. "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Union Shop

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That’s more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Once upon a time there was a n...

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

A very shy guy goes into a bar...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to herand asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Paul F. Tompkins: Airline Security Drawings

As Im standing there, I see they have a little sign with pictures of things you are not allowed to bring on the plane anymore. And they have, like, little drawings: circle, line through it, No! One of the things you cant bring on the plane anymore is a bomb -- no, no, they had a picture, cant do it. And it was the classic cartoon bomb, like the bowling ball with the little sparky whip coming out of it. And then you might think, Oh, I got a way around that. Uh-uh, not so fast -- they also had a picture of the bundle of dynamite with the clock.

Women and Bad Weather

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.

A Unitarian Miracle and Other UU Jokes

Q: Have you heard the latest UU miracle?
A: Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.
Q: Why can't Unitarian Universalists sing very well in choirs?
A: Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the next verse.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian Universalist with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Somebody who comes knocking at your door for no apparent reason.