Jokes of the day for Thursday, 05 January 2012

There was a doctor, a civil en...

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which the oldest profession was.

The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"

Short funny jokes-Timeline

Superman wears Chuck Norris pa...

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Hard Working?

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, “Son, how much do you make a day?”

The guy replies, “150 dollars.”

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, “Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?”

If Shakespeare Worked at a Har...

If Shakespeare Worked at a Hardware Store:

window seat

A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat?

Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.

Chris Rock: Natural Causes

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, its natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, youd got out of the way.

Born-Again Hindu

A zealous Christian who was trying to convert a Hindu found himself getting nowhere. "The thing is," argued the frustrated Christian, "you have to be born again!"
"But I have been born again!" insisted the Hindu. "And again and again and again ..."

A little boy opened the big an...

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:

"It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

Building Security has notified...

Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.

Who did it?

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!"

The Official Polish Sex Quiz The Official Polish Sex Quiz

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct ("T" for True or "F" for False) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name) under the appropriate heading on the right side.

T F
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. _ _
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. _ _
3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. _ _
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. _ _
5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. _ _
6. A G-string is part of a violin. _ _
7. Semen is another word for "sailor". _ _
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". _ _
9. Testicles are found on an octopus. _ _
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. _ _
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. _ _
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. _ _
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. _ _
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". _ _
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. _ _
16. A condom is an apartment complex. _ _
17. An organism is the person who accompanies the church choir. _ _
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. _ _
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. _ _
20. An erection is when the Japanese go to the voting booths. _ _
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. _ _
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. _ _
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. _ _
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. _ _
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve". _ _
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. _ _
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. _ _

#joke #animal #rabbit #bird #octopus #fish #food #cheese #egg

A magician was working on a cr...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?

A Prayer Upon Waking

Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.

A mother and her young inquisi...

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

Beer Drinkers Guide:

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

One day I met a sweet gentlema...

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off
any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner
and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed
delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I
took
a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
and went
to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously..
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back
on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through
the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!