Jokes of the day for Thursday, 09 February 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 09 February 2012 |
Clean jokes funny-The Piano tuner
So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.
Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.
After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.
To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."
"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."
"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."
Father Murphy walked into a pu...
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and he approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
In the old days, dealing Viagr...
In the old days, dealing Viagra could get you hung. Phallus profits were taboo.Father Murphy walked into a pu...
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Bury Me in Bloomingdales
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit twice a week."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus
Three Travelers
Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.“Aaah!” he said. “We're right over my homeland.”
“How can you tell?” asked the American.
“I can feel the cold air.” he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.
“Aah we're right over my homeland.” he said.
“How do you know that?” asked the Russian.
“I can feel the heat of the desert.”
Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.
“Aah, we're right over New York.” The Russian and the African were amazed.
“How do you know all of that?!” they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. “My watch is missing.”
It is believed dinosaurs are e...
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.A little boy asked his teacher...
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom,so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'
Is honesty the best policy?
After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about her lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have you been with?"
"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him.
"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....”
Tired of his low approval rati...
Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.
The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.
So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"
The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.
The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.
So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.
A woman goes into a sporting g...
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle."It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"
Knock Knock Collection 143
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Othello!
Othello who?
Othello you thalked to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Otis!
Otis who?
Otis a sin to tell a lie!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ottawa!
Ottawa who?
Ottawa know you're telling the truth?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oewn!
Owen who?
Owen you open this door, I'm going to give you such a roasting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owl!
Owl who?
Owl Aboard!
husband, while on a business t...
husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her."Suicide Blond
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, 'Shut up... you're next.'
Being rude is easy
Being rude is easy. It does not take any effort and is a sign of weakness and insecurity. Kindness shows great self-discipline and strong self-esteem. Being kind is not always easy when dealing with rude people. Kindness is a sign of a person who has done a lot of personal work and has come to a great self-understanding and wisdom. Choose to be kind over being right and you’ll be right every time because kindness is a sign of STRENGTH. ~ Author Unknown
Source: Webstagra.ms
