Jokes of the day for Monday, 02 April 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 02 April 2012 |
The Teacher had asked the clas...
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Really funny jokes-Worried CEO
The first person he meets is his assistant:
- Oh Miss, I'd like to ask you just a question. How much make 2+2 ?
- Yes Sir. Do you want a detailed memo on that?
- No, just answer the question.
- Well, I think it's 4.
Then he goes to the computer tech:
- Hi John! Just a question. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
John runs Excel, and after five minutes answers:
- It is 4.00 E+0, but I'm not sure, the support staff should come tomorrow. Will I ask them to check it?
Then he goes to the accountant:
- Hello mister, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Well, well, I know I'm late. I'm sorry. I didn't already collect all the data, neither check all the accounts. But I can estimate it now between 3.196... and... let's say... 5.659. But I'll be able to make a much more accurate estimate within two weeks!
A bit disappointed, he goes to the sales manager:
- Hello Bob, could you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- So... How much do you think it makes?
- I ask you to answer.
- Mmh... you don't want to tell me your price. You want me to make an offer. - Indeed.
- So, let's say 6! No, excuse me, you're not that kind of man, you know the market. I sell it to you for 5.25, and that's the price I' make for my best friend!
Then he goes to his lawyer:
- Good Morning Mister. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Right now?
- Yes!
- So, at first I would say 2, but I'm convinced that with a good preparation, we can get 3!
And, finally, he goes to the actuary:
- Hello Sir, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Of course. It is... It is... Mmmmh, well, how much would you like it to make?
Actual Accident Summaries
The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.—
Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
—
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
—
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
—
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
—
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
—
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
—
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
—
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
—
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
—
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
—
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
—
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
—
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
—
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
—
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
—
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
—
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
—
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
Cristela Alonzo: Owning a Scale
Theres only two kinds of people in the world that own scales: people who think theyre fat and drug dealers.I Guess That's F
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens.""Chickens, eh?"
says one guy.
"Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
It was once believed that Chuc...
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.Moving Testimony
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
The Teacher had asked the clas...
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Two girlfriends were speeding ...
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph."Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."
Where ya from, Sam?
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
Feline Heaven
A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
One afternoon a man came home ...
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes", he replied reluctantly.
She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Easter
10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments."
9. You look really, really good in yellow.
8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.
7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.
6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.
5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.
4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.
3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."
2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.
1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?
From EasterHumor.com
Chicken farmer
A woman walks into her accountant's office, telling him she needs to file her taxes for the financial year."Fine," the accountant says to his client, "but before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He takes her particulars: name, address, social security number, etc.
Eventually, he comes on to her current occupation. "What are you working as at the moment?" he asks.
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
"No, no, no!" barks the accountant. "That'll never work! It's far too crass!
Let's try to rephrase that."
"Okay," says the woman, "err... I'm a prostitute?"
"No, no. That's still far too crude. Can't you think of something else?"
They both sit thinking for a minute, then the woman suddenly blurts out,
"I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant is dumbstruck. "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well," says the woman, "I must have raised over 300 cocks last year!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
