Jokes of the day for Monday, 14 May 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 14 May 2012 |
Really funny jokes-Victim of imagination
While struggling to breathe, he said "Jane, it has hit me at last. It came without a warning. All of a sudden I found I could not straighten up. I can't even raise my head."
When the doctor came to see Michael, his wife asked the doctor, "Will he survive?"
"Well" the doctor said, "it certainly would be a great help if he will unhitch the second buttonhole of his vest from the top button of his trousers."
Two bachelors, Larry and Frank...
Two bachelors, Larry and Frank, were out to dinner.The conversation drifted from office, sports, to politics, and then to cooking.
I got a cook book once said Larry. But I couldnt do anything with it.
Too much fancy stuff in it, huh? asked Frank.
You said it, Larry replied, nodding. Every one of those recipes began the same way: Take a clean plate
Golfing on Sunday
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who's he going to tell?”
Cannibalism is tough. It’...
Cannibalism is tough. It's Doug eat Doug out there.Spare the rod
A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son.As the proud father was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and sickly looking by comparison.
Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a moment.
"What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He seems awfully puny and underweight."
"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the nurse, and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."
"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.
"What's that?" asked the nurse.
The man replied with a smile., ... "Spare the rod and spoil the child."
Todd Barry: Book Lights
They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp. When the Boogeyman goes to bed...
When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.A widower who never paid any a...
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."A magician was working on a cr...
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
Buckwheat
Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.
Things to ponder...
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
God Takes a Vacation
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
How Fast Was I Going?
"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
