Short funny jokes-Drunk chickenSanta: What can drunk chicken give you?
Banta: Scotch eggs!
Wife: Theres trouble with th...Wife: Theres trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.
Husband: Water in the carburetor? Thats ridiculous.
Wife: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.
Husband: You dont even know what a carburetor is. Wheres the car?
Wife: In the swimming pool.
Funny video of the day - Nice view, right?
Life insurance premiums are ba...Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.
Wife: “There’s trouble with th...Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”
Wife: “In the swimming pool.”
FuzzPhillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.
He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.
"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"
"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"
Find the right combination
Drew Fraser: Settling DownTrying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.
Deserted IslandA man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.
The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.
“This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts.”
The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: “Hey, no screwing!”
They look at each other and yell back: “We're not screwing!”
A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: “Heeey, no screwing!”
Again they yell back, “We're not screwing!”
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above:
“Hey, I said no screwing!!”
They yell back, “And we said we're not screwing!!”
Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:
“Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.
I wasted millions invent...I wasted millions inventing the Sleeveless Mouthwash: it was a foolish in-vest mint.
A drunk walks into a crowded b...A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."
Baseball in heaven.....
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."
Little Miss Muffet sat on her ...Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Girls Night Out...
The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.
The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.
Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!
Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!
The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!
After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."
A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
WatermelonWhats pink and smells of watermelon?!
A a college virgin male's penis
Amy Schumer: Facebook Is WeirdNow every idiot from high schools like, Im back! We werent supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I dont want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobodys interested in you. I dont want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
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