Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 05 June 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 05 June 2012 |
Funny Quotes from Gore
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
Greatest Comedian in the Bible
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Chuck Norris is the only man t...
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.Jimmy Carr: Why Men Use Viagra
The reason old men use Viagra is not because theyre impotent. Its because old women are so very ugly. A brunette who really hated bl...
A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars. 'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.
'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'
The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.
'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
Contrary to popular belief the...
Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.The Advil Commandments
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
William Wilson: Hot Brick Church
We just had an old brick church. Its like a barbeque pit, just hot -- HOT. Everybody in theres fanning. Old ladies got them old funeral parlor fans, they just fanning. Im sweating. And the preacher, If you dont straighten out, youre going to hell! Im like, Well, what is this? Practice?Cookies in Heaven?
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Public Service Joke
June 23rd is United Nations Public Service Day! Find joke about it!
A man goes to the post office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever served in the military?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations, you've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our...
you know what.
No point in you coming in for that.
#unitednationspublicserviceday #publicserviceday
Deer Camp
Four guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and comes to breakfast the next morning with hair a mess and eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said: "Man, what happened to you?"
He said: Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night, it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said: "Man what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said: "Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn't do anything but sit up and watch him all night."
The third night was Rich's turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.
They asked: "Man, what happened?"
He said: "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his behind and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.
Don't Step on the Ducks
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
