Jokes of the day for Saturday, 21 July 2012

Business one-liners 65

If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.

If it doesn't work, expand it.

If it happens, it must be possible.

If it is good, they will stop making it.

If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.

If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.

If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Clean jokes-Skin cream

Ol' Fred had been a faithful C...

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something
to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and
Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that
he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred
died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before
he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure
there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're
standing on my oxygen tube!"

Google won't search for Chuck ...

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Ol' Fred had been a faithful C...

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something
to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and
Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that
he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred
died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before
he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure
there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're
standing on my oxygen tube!"

Skydiving...

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

Neal Brennan: Porn Today

Porn used to amaze me. Id be like, How theyd get that man and that lady to have sex at that bakery? But now the older I get, the more I realize men and women having sex is the easy part of a relationship. You know whats like a fantasy to me now? You know what would be porn to me today? Just video of a man and a woman getting along. Wait, he has to work late and shes not going to take it personally? Oh, thats hot.

Winding up the tough guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

Repair Estimate

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually it's my boss's idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Why did the blonde tip-toe ...

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet.....

so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Entrance Exam

A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"
The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven."
"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, "I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.
Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn. He tells the Angel, "I've done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees.
The Angel then asks him: "How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"

swimming

there was a blonde, bernett and a red-head on a broken ship. it takes two miles to get to shore, so the bernett swims 1 mile and drowns the red-head swam 1 mile and got eaten by a shark then the blonde swam 1 mile got tired and swam back

Every time Chuck Norris smiles...

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

Rory Albanese: Least Respected Place

Im from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, Hey, whered you grow up? Im like, Long Island. And hes like, Loser. Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. Im like, Ive seen the ocean. Game over.

Eugene Mirman: Good Father

I dont have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

5 Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.

You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT.

And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.

You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.

You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.

It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you.

At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.

At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.