Jokes of the day for Sunday, 22 July 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 22 July 2012 |
Good jokes-Late Patrick
Our boss, Mr. Jenkins was getting increasingly mad at him and after reprimanding him, threatened to demote him if he didn't do something about it.
So Patrick visited his doctor for advice. The doc gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Patrick slept well, and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.
"Boss", he said, "I went to the doctor and he gave me a medicine that actually worked!"
"That's all right" said Mr. Jenkins, "But where the hell were you yesterday?"
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a...
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"Santa is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
Family quarrel...
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
Business one-liners 65
If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
If it doesn't work, expand it.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it is good, they will stop making it.
If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
When Chuck Norris was a child,...
When Chuck Norris was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a...
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!" Police officer pulled this ...
Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
A Puzzle for Darwin
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
Pretty normal
A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling." The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."
"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too."
Dane Cook: By a Round of Applause
Comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, How you feeling? We always say that, By a round of applause, how do you feel? Right? By a round of applause, how you feeling? Its the only place in the world that you judge how youre feeling by a round of applause... Theres never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over -- Maam! Maam! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause -- shes not clapping!Three Blonds On Death Row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Chuck Norris is the only human...
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.How Long to get a Ha
This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
