Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 23 October 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 23 October 2012 |
Funny jokes-Signs You are Addicted to the Internet
Signs You are Addicted to the Internet* You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
* All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
* And even your night dreams are in HTML.
A lawyer opened the door of hi...
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW."Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"
Lost weight...
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 185."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
Gorilla removal
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one."Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.
When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
Accident
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair.
Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his check, Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes--where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle!"
A lady was walking down the st...
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
Family Bible
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”
Chuck Norris knows 47 ways to ...
Chuck Norris knows 47 ways to decapitate a man with only a slice of pecan pie.A young blonde was on vacation...
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A drunk walks into a crowded b...
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."
Donnell Rawlings: Friends With Cool Jobs
Comedys a tough job, man. Ive got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, hes a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, Ooh, you should do porno! Same girl sat on my lap and was like, Ooh, you should tell jokes! President Roosevelt once rode ...
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.Jeff Dunham: Sex Life of the Elderly
Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? Was it good for you? I dont remember. It was three minutes ago!, Who are you?!?.
Paul F. Tompkins: Name in Print
I do not understand why people write letters to magazines. It accomplishes nothing; its pointless. [If] you want to see your name in print that bad, write on a piece of paper and look at it: Ah, there it is. Just as I always dreamed. 
