Jokes of the day for Saturday, 05 January 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 05 January 2013 |
Adult jokes-Man in the convent
She said, "I have reason to believe a man entered the convent last night."
All the nuns go "Ohhh", except for one who goes "hee hee hee".
The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden."
All the nuns go "Ohhh", except for one who goes "hee hee hee".
The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom."
All the nuns go "hee hee hee", except for one who goes "Ohhh".
Teacher: Why are you late? R...
Teacher: Why are you late?Student: Because, of the sign!
Teacher: What sign?
Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Teacher: Why are you late?
...
Teacher: Why are you late?Student: Because, of the sign!
Teacher: What sign?
Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Al Gore And Leonardo DiCaprio
What's the difference between Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio?
One of them, due to circumstances beyond his control, was dragged down with the wreckage.
The other one is just an actor.
A night to remember
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says: "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well: "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles -- the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.
He knows that he is doomed. He taps her: "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and they again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. By now she is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again: "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and yells: "Would you give it a rest! One of us has to get up in the morning!"
Man-guage
A guide to man language“I'M GOING FISHING” Means: “I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“IT'S A GUY THING” Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Means: “Why isn't dinner already on the table?”
“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR…” Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Means: “I have no idea how it works.”
“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”
“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” Means: “I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Means: “Are you still talking?”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.” Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”
“HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.” Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”
“I CAN'T FIND IT.” Means: “It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Means: “What did you catch me at?”
“I HEARD YOU.” Means: “I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” Means: “”Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.”
“I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
Mr. Clean is really Chuck Norr...
Mr. Clean is really Chuck Norris with a shaved head and an ear-ring.Born-Again Hindu
A zealous Christian who was trying to convert a Hindu found himself getting nowhere. "The thing is," argued the frustrated Christian, "you have to be born again!"
"But I have been born again!" insisted the Hindu. "And again and again and again ..."
It's wise to remember how easi...
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology canbe misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filledstreets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on abusiness trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife aquicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he hadwritten her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in frommemory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directedinstead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passedaway only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercingscream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this noteon the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrivaltomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
A magician was working on a cr...
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
A Prayer Upon Waking
Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.
A mother and her young inquisi...
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
