Jokes of the day for Sunday, 17 March 2013

Funny jokes-Does love happen?

Eating grass

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," the man from the limousine said excitedly.

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

So they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied: "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

The Veterinarian

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking."

She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

Humor About Drunk Irishmen

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

#joke #animal #dog

“Some people take bea...

“Some people take beautiful pictures and cut them into pieces. That's a puzzle to me.”

As migration approached, two e...

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

The opening scene of the movie...

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Knock, Knock at the Convent

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Governors mansion

Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down?

Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Greg Giraldo: On Catholicism

We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.

Hymns By Word Association

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."
The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

After making love, the woman s...

After making love, the woman said the man, "So, you're a doctor?"
"That's right," replied the doctor smugly. "Betcha don't know what kind of doctor."
"Ummm...I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist."
"Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did you know?" asked the guy.
"Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn't feel a thing.

A small boy is sent to bed by ...

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
Da-ad..." "What?"
I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
WHAT?"
I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...
Daaaa-aaaad..."
WHAT??!!"
When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

An elderly man was walking thr...

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.

"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex "

To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"

Damn Parking Enforcement

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...