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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 23 March 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 23 March 2013

Clean jokes-Healthy breakfast

Our young son made up his mind one day that he needed to eat healthier breakfasts, so he chose oatmeal as his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told his mother, "I hope I develop a taste for this stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," his mother asked, "Just how long did you cook it?"

"Are you supposed to cook it?" he asked.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

For chocolate lovers...

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

An icebox of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate,it will keep inthe freezer...But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

#joke
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #68 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The Old Monk

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.

He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."

#joke
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

Funny video of the day - Celebration Fail Compilation March 2013 - Uniformedia

Celebration Fail Compilation March 2013 - Uniformedia - Faunny compilation of celebrations on sports events and FAILS during it - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

The Answer

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (9)

Funny Photo of the day - Largest human hand on ice: Sweden breaks Guinness world record

Largest human hand on ice: Sweden breaks Guinness world record - - Some 2,493 inhabitants of Luleå in the far north of Sweden gathered on the ice in a bid to break a Guinness World Record | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

“I hate cliff-hangers...

“I hate cliff-hangers! Do you know what I am going to do about it?”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (8)

Six guys were playing poker wh...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (7)

Don't step on the ducks

Three men die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this woman."

The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first man.

The third man has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the hottest woman he has ever laid eyes on.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy man says: "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

Duck mob

The hot girl says: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

#joke
  • Currently 6.45/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (11)

Most people put their pants on...

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 November 2011
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (42)

Bumper Stickers 17


"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 April 2010
  • Currently 4.98/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (47)

What do you call a person that...

What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
"Trilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 March 2009
  • Currently 6.23/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (40)

Taxes

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 March 2009
  • Currently 7.72/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (36)

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 March 2011
  • Currently 7.03/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (34)

Q&A: Why Was Moses Wicked?

Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man?
A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.
Q. What animal could Noah not trust?
A. The cheetah.
Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
A. Flood lights.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 March 2009
  • Currently 4.96/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (23)

During a dinner party, the hos...

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 March 2010
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

Get in shape New Year’s resolution

My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape.

I choose round

Author: Sarah Millican

#joke #short #newyear
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

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