Jokes of the day for Friday, 05 April 2013

Misproununciation?

President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated at one of the finest tables. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a short skirt and legs that won't quit comes to his table.

"What would you like, Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and answers, "A quickie."

The waitress stomps off in total disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takesover, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.

Hilarious jokes-Only child

A woman decided to have her po...

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

You Might Be A Redneck If 30

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs when they get into it.
You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.

archery

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

He missed.

Facelift

This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.

But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.

"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.

The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."

"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."

When I got the bill ...

“When I got the bill for the engine rebuild, I blew a gasket!”

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl stri...

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

A man calls home to his wife a...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

First Time in Church

Mrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church for the first time.
After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny's voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you..."

A guy falls asleep on the beac...

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.

He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, asedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

A Collection Of Insults

When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
3K RAM free, no EMS.
A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
A couple of slates short of a full roof.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A cup and saucer short of a place setting.
A day late and a dollar short.
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
A doughnut short of being a cop.
A few beads short in her rosary.

Trouble Sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?