Jokes of the day for Sunday, 21 April 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 21 April 2013 |
The Dexter Nursing Home
The Dexter Nursing Home regulations made it mandatory to have a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
Alice, the trainee nurse, found an old guy already dressed and seated on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Alice offered help but the old man insisted he could make it on his own and didn't need help to leave the hospital.
Alice reminded him that she had to follow rules, so he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down, Alice asked him if his wife was coming to meet him.
'I don't know,' said the old man. 'Guess she is still up in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Reptile Jokes 04
What's green a slimy and found at the North Pole?
A lost frog!
What's green and tough?
A toad with a machine gun!
Why didn't the female frog lay eggs?
Because her husband spawned her affections!
What do you call a 100 year old frog?
An old croak!
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog!
What is a chameleon's motto?
A change is as good as a rest!
What happens if you eat a hot frog?
You'll croak in no time!
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new!
What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy?
Hoppalong Cassidy!
Shoulda Said
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
“When the window fell...
“When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.”
Ex-Girlfriend
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Chuck Norris does not go hunti...
Chuck Norris does not go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.This police officer sees an ol...
This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time so after driving next to her for awhile he yells to her,"PULLOVER". She replies,"No a pair of socks".Pro and Con
If pro- is the opposite of con- then congress must be the opposite of progress.
Where babies from?
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.Mother, where do babies come from?
Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Jewelry, dear.
How to Cure a Headache
A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for yearswith no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The
doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across
my scalp and...."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing
right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you
know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp
muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve
the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and
come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you
feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."
Little Johnny had finished his...
Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother totell her that he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.
