Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 22 May 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 22 May 2013 |
A good wife
“The exhibitionist we...
“The exhibitionist went to the store because he heard they were having a flash sale.”
Partial disability
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responds the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 a.m., but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
Drink Too Much Coffee
You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
- You speed walk in your sleep.
- You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
- You answer the door before people knock.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
- Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- All your kids are named "Joe."
- You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy milk by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
- People can test their batteries in your ears.
- Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- You channel surf faster without a remote.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can
- You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil
- You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
- You get drunk just so you can sober up.
- You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
- Your Thermos is on wheels.
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You have a conniption over spilled milk.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You don't get mad, you get steamed.
- Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
- Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
- You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
- You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Anti-men Jokes (Ladies Enjoy)
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I'vewanted to make love to you really badly. She
said - Well, you succeeded.
Her husband had been slipping ...
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!The original title for Alien v...
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.A Puzzle for Darwin
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
Horse Tears
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?"
the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.
"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
The Bored Man
There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?"
"Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me."
His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?"
He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"
He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president.Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.
His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.'
But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction.
So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in St. Peter's Square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.
Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?"
"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'"
Rabbi in the Catholic Hospital
Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
Mike Birbiglia: Crying Over a Book
I was on the subway the other day, and the guy next to me was crying over a book. He was actually crying. So, I leaned over -- I go, You dont know how to read, either? 
