Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 28 May 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 28 May 2013 |
Waitress witnessed terrible accident
The waitress explained,"It was terrible. I was crossing the road, when I witnessed a dreadful accident. A guy was hit by a speeding car and he was lying there on the street, with his hands and skull fractured. he was a bloody mess. Thank God I had taken that first-aid course."
The bartender asked, "How did you handle it?"
She replied, "I sat on the ground and put my head between my knees so I would not faint!"
“The movie about the ...
“The movie about the mobile home was advertised with a trailer.”
Half sisters
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said: "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside and said: "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Joe was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."
Joe was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head and said: "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
Thanks to everyone who checked...
Thanks to everyone who checked in with me, while I was checked out for awhile. I'm well, settling in to a new job, and hoping for down time this summer.In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
In the middle of a forest, the...
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
All the proof she needs?
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked: 'Will you buy booze?'
The bum said: 'No'
The man asked 'Will you gamble it away?'
The bum said: 'No.'
Then the man asked: 'Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?'
Knock Knock Collection 043
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dale!
Dale who?
Dale come if you ask dem!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Darius!
Darius who?
Darius a lot I have to tell you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Darren!
Darren who?
Darren young man on the flying machine!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Darwin!
Darwin who?
I'll be Darwin you open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Daryl!
Daryl who?
Daryl never be another you...!
Jeeves
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening.The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.
She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone.
Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Ronald McDonald in a N*dist Colony
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a n*dist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: A...
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.First Time in Church
Mrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church for the first time.
After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny's voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you..."
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pil...
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.AOL Support Call
AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online
before I join.
AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?
Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get
something called "cybersex". Does this cost extra?
AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma'am... I
don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of
America Online.
Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go
to a chat room.
Caller: Hmmmm . . . I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.
Caller: Hmmm . . . well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to
be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?
Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead . . .
Caller: What are you wearing?
AOL:
Talking Dog For Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a fucking liar."Diaper change...
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"
