Jokes of the day for Friday, 31 May 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 31 May 2013 |
Adult jokes-Feeding the Yak
The Yuppie is confused and asks the old loafer what he meant.
The old loafer says that none of them had any action for a long time and up in the hills, a Yak is the closest one could get to a woman.
The Yuppie understood and started for the hills. When he returned to the monastery after a week, the Head Monk asked him how the Yaks were doing. The Yuppie did not say anything but kept smiling. The Head Monk then asked him if he had fed all the Yaks properly, The Yuppie replied that he had forgotten to feed them.
The Head Monk got emotional and burst out, "You Yuppies are all the same, screw you Yak, I am all right!"
There were 3 friends stranded ...
There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back in the island.“Obituaries of those ...
“Obituaries of those hanged in the old west used to be posted in the noose paper.”
A kiss a yard...
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Cross-eyes Rotweiler
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Computer error
A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
The husband said "Put MYPENIS."
The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...
"Error. Not long enough."
Ronald McDonald in a N*dist Colony
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a n*dist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.
Scary Collection 02
A Halloween joke
What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!
A vampire joke
What's Dracula's car called?
A mobile blood unit!
A werewolf joke
What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
A wear-wolf!
A witch joke
Why did the witch go over the mountain?
Because she couldn't go under it!
A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton want to play football?
Because his heart wasn't in it!
A cannibal joke
Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
A wizard joke
If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!
Playing Golf with God
Three men were playing golf. The course was a wicked dogleg with a large water hazard.
The first man stepped up to the tee and hit a sharp slice into the water hazard. He walked up to the water; it parted and he lofted his ball within one foot of the hole.
The next man steped up and hit the ball. Sure enough, he sliced it so that it landed on top of the water. He walked across the surface of the water and and hit the ball within six inches of the hole.The third man stepped up, hit the ball, and sliced it. The ball was just about to land in the water when a trout jumped out of the water and grabbed it in his mouth. An eagle swooped down, scooped up the fish, and flew off. As the eagle banked over the green, lightning struck it, it dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball, and it landed in the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad."
There were 3 friends stranded ...
There were 3 friends stranded in an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back in the island.Chuck Norris' favourite cut of...
Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.
The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.
While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.
After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.
When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac...
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.Donald Glover: We Get It
Its kind of redundant -- have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybodys like, Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it. Its just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that its kind of redundant. I dont go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever? Martha Kelly: Preparing for Office Work
Its been a couple of years since I actually worked in an office, so I thought I should do something to prepare to get back into the typing, filing and phone answering, and what not. So what I did was I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool, and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool. And then just as I was about to suffocate, he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.
