Jokes of the day for Friday, 19 July 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 19 July 2013 |
Inquisitive
Q. Why are mountain climbers inquisitive?A. They always want to take another peak.
A lady walks into the drugstor...
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic."Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
A lady walks into the drugstor...
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic."Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
Knock Knock Collection 054
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Duane!
Duane who?
Duane the bath, I'm dwowning!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dummy!
Dummy who?
Dummy a favour and go away!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dunce!
Dunce who?
Dunce-ay another word!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dustin Hoffman!
Dustin Hoffman who?
Dustin Hoffman welcome mat for you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne!
Dwayne who?
Dwayne in Spain falls mainly on the plain...!
Lost X Files Christmas episode
Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.
Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
Scully: You really think someone's been here?
Mulder: Someone or some thing.
Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake.
Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."
Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Scully: Who? What are you talking about?
Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
Scully: But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it?
Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.
Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.
Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.
Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.
Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.
Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.
Scully: Impossible.
Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.
Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake.
Scully: But we have no proof.
Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
Scully: But that was a meteor shower.
Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.
Scully: Mulder, I -- Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.
Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...
Christmas Bonus
Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
Husband for sale
A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in Auckland.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
“You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.”
So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
“That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.”
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Google won't search for Chuck ...
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.Growing penis
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
John Caparulo: Airport Security Inspection
I had my dog in one of those kennel carrier things, you know those boxes... They made me take the dog out of the carrier, so they could inspect it for explosives. Who bombs a f**king puppy? Really, who does that? Bin Laden would be like, Youre a dick, dude. I cant believe you -- thats too far.
A dietitian was once addressin...
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Knock Knock Collection 097
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Isaiah!
Isaiah who?
Isaiah nothing till you open this door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Istvan!
Istvan who?
Istvan to be alone!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy be a big job!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan enormous snake in my pocket!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivana!
Ivana who?
Ivana be rich!
Money Is No Object
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.
'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'
The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!'
'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'
'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!'
'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'
'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'
