Jokes of the day for Monday, 29 July 2013

No sleep walking!

It was bedtime for Little Ted and he insisted on taking his bicycle to bed with him.
His mother, a little surprised by the strange request, asked him why he wanted to do that.
Ted replied, "Mom, I don't want to walk in my sleep!"

Chuck Norris can speak Russian...

Chuck Norris can speak Russian...in Chinese.

“I went to a buffet d...

“I went to a buffet dinner with my neighbor, who is a taxidermist. After such a big meal, I was stuffed.”

Quit Smoking

A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

A visit with Grandpa...

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

One Is Negative One

Theorem: 1 = -1
Proof:
1 = sqrt(1) = sqrt(-1 * -1) = sqrt(-1) * sqrt(-1) = 1^ = -1
Also one can disprove the axiom that things equal to the same thing are equal to each other.
1 = sqrt(1)
-1 = sqrt(1)
Therefore 1 = -1
As an alternative method for solving:
Theorem: 1 = -1
Proof:
x=1
x^2=x
x^2-1=x-1
(x+1)(x-1)=(x-1)
(x+1)=(x-1)/(x-1)
x+1=1
x=0
0=1
=> 0/0=1/1=1

Behave like a rabbit

Mari was telling her girlfriend Rosie about the gent she met on a trip to Vegas.

"He took me to his condo overlooking the strip in Vegas, we had some wine and then he showed me all these expensive jewels.

There was an emerald cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."

"Impressive." said Rosie.

"Well... yes." Mari agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Three drunks hailed a taxi. Th...

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.

Unheavenly blessed

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that, I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

Cristela Alonzo: Strippers in Med School

I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing: Im paying my way through medical school. Now, if thats the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? Youd think theyd be everywhere.

Nick Swardson: Down side of Magical Friends

One of my best friends is a professional magician. The only downside to having a magical friend is he always invites us on double dates, and thats the worst because Im a nice guy, but hes magic. Theres no way I can compete with that. He shows up, hes so smooth. Girls love him. Hes like, Hows it going? You look so beautiful tonight. Your hair -- is that a coin? Now, its a rose. Now, its money. And its like, I show up -- what am I gonna do? Im like, Hi, I brought you this rose. Now, its broken.

Funny Humor About The Irish

This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan.
"That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written."
To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"

#joke #doctor

Pipe Organ

A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very

fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an

intricate task that was completed successfully.

The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ

Transplant."

April Fool's Day - Spill “milk” all over your...

Spill “milk” all over your kid’s most prized possession. This splatter (which won’t harm your kid’s computer or anything else) is easily made using glue and soap.

Sleeves on fire

I recently found myself in what could be considered one of the most foolish situations of my life. I went out to light my cigarette, It was a cold Fall day, so I was wearing one of my worn-out hoodies. As I attempted to light the cigarette using a torch lighter, I caught the hoodie's sleeve on fire.

Initially, I didn't realize what had happened, but when I noticed the flames spreading, panic set in. My instinctive reaction was to try and extinguish the fire by using my other hand. Which, unfortunately, led to the second sleeve catching fire as well. At this point, I found myself with both sleeves ablaze and the fire starting to spread.

While there may have been several rational solutions, I was too lost in the moment to consider them. The thought of removing the hoodie crossed my mind, but with both my arms in flames, it seemed impossible. So, I opted for a rather foolish tactic of flailing around desperately in an attempt to put out the fire, which only just made it worse.

In a panic, I rushed into the nearest building for assistance, which happened to be the bank where I had recently deposited some funds. I entered, hoping to find help, but before I could say a word, security guards forcefully tackled me to the ground and threw me out of the building.

Because you can't bring firearms into a bank.

Credit: FireWater107 reddit user, from Dad Jokes subreddit