Jokes of the day for Friday, 09 August 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 09 August 2013 |
Funny jokes-Diet plan
My wife retorted, "You know what is the most difficult part of my diet plan? It is not watching what I eat, it's watching what you eat."
“It's tough to know e...
“It's tough to know exactly what some philosophers looked like. Sometimes the only way might be to ex-Hume them.”
Cross-eyed dog...
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
Ponderings Collection 42
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Brigham Young
A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Now she's really getting mad.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Then furiously, she says -
Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Special gift
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
When Chuck Norris was born, th...
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.Building Security has notified...
Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.Chuck Norris once ordered a st...
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.Faster than a speeding bullet....
Faster than a speeding bullet...more powerful than a locomotive...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.Kumail Nanjiani: Hogwarts Curriculum
Heres my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? Theyre getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the Holocaust. A guy was driving when a polic...
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Yo Mama So Ugly
yo mama so eglu even canbales are afard of her.Call To Sarge
Two policemen call the station on their radio. "Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
