Jokes of the day for Monday, 02 September 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 02 September 2013 |
Knock Knock Collection 003
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adlai!
Adlai who?
Adlai a bet on that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adolf!
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aesop!
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a puddy cat!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agatha!
Agatha who?
Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agnes!
Agnes who?
Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe!
Lawyers Dog
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat."Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.
"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.
"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
Britney and Christina Work Together
Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.
Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail." Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"A grasshopper walks into a bar...
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
Tetanus Shot
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
Chuck Norris sleeps with a nig...
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris doesn't mow his l...
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.Brendon Walsh: WMD Penis
My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find. A Roll Of The Dice
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.
She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!
The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"
She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"
The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"
Turbulent Times
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
A Canadian preacher was preocc...
A Canadian preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.The substitute wanted to know what to play.
‘Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. ‘But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.'
At that moment, the substitute organist played, *'O Canada.'
*And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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*Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
* *Give me the grace to see a joke,
* *To get some humour out of life,
* *And pass it on to other folk!*
In school one day, the teacher...
In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said,"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?"
"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!"
