Jokes of the day for Monday, 30 December 2013

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris...

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

“A weeknight is a tin...

“A weeknight is a tiny nobleman.”

Really funny jokes-Bizarre bank robbery

An 85-year-old widow went on a...

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

A job at the zoo....

A father of six children had been out of work for six months. In desperation, he was reading through the want ads in the paper and came across an ad for someone to work at the zoo. The man called the zoo and asked if he could have the job, but was told that he would need to come in for an interview.

The next day he went to the interview, but before beginning, he was told by his potential employer that he would need to raise his hand to the square and promise that the proceedings of the interview would be kept confidential, whether he got the job or not. The man reluctantly took the oath, then asked what this job and oath were all about.

The zoo owner asked the man what he thought the zoo's main attraction was. Without hesitation the man replied, 'Everyone knows that. It's the big ape!'

'Well,' said the zoo owner, 'this is the part you cannot divulge, because we would lose our business. The big ape died, and we need to keep it a secret by putting the ape skin on someone who can imitate the ape--at least until the new ape arrives in three months.' 'That's me!' said the man. 'I can do that! I was a gymnast in high school and college.' The zoo owner then challenged the man to audition by acting like an ape. The man assumed crouched position and began running, jumping, and swinging around the room, imitating the actions and sounds of an ape. 'Wow! You're really good!' said the owner, and immediately gave the man the job.

The next day the man, dressed as the ape, went into the cage and was an instant hit. Everyone heard how the ape was preforming and came to the zoo to see him. The crowds got bigger and bigger as time went by, and the front page of the paper proclaimed, 'The ape has gone ape!'

About two months before the new ape was to arrive, the man had about five hundred people in front of his cage, and he was waxing eloquent. He was flipping and jumping and swinging everywhere, when all of a sudden, at the top of a swing, his rope broke and threw him into the lion's cage. He rolled a few times, coming to rest against the bars, and turned to find himself across the cage from the king of beasts, who lay across the cage with his head down on one paw. He knew right way that he was in trouble, so he began screaming like an ape and running back and forth along the bars in hopes that someone would rescue him from this situation. No one moved. As he looked again, the lion began to move slowly and stalk him. The lion then growled, curled his upper lip over his teeth, and assumed a position to leap. Just at this moment, the man decided that his family was more important to him than his promise to the owner of the zoo. He looked up and started screaming, 'Help! Help! I'm not really an ape, I'm a man. Get me out of here!' The lion looked at him and said in a loud whisper, 'Hush up, you fool! You'll get us both fired!'

A Forester And Lawyer

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

Holding It In

Q: What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A: A private tooter.

Animal Orgasms

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,

"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."

He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"

Restless Little Girl

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Computer Flatlined..

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.

"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

I Have A Question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

Newton's Third Law is wrong: A...

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Brian Regan: Einstein

They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, its an insult? You dont know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein. I dont think were honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.

Death in the Family

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.

What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months?

How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"