Jokes of the day for Monday, 03 February 2014

“I simply must find a...

“I simply must find a new podiatrist. My podiatrist has developed such a callus attitude.”

Late for Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"

Cool it with Beer

Six months to live...

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

Answering Machine Message 40

Lesbian bar

The pool tables don't have balls.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

Chuck Norris graduated from sc...

The Patron Saint of Email

Q: Who is the Patron Saint of Email?
A: St. Francis of a CC
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member ditzybimbo

Rising to the Occasion

professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided

the next time he did something offensive, they would all

stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very

next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African

natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be

interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a

cock twelve inches long."

The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.

The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The

next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

The three wise men are out for...

Name the animals...

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"

Bought A Bad Computer

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
   
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
   
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
   
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
   
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
   
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
   The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
   The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
   The only chip inside is a Dorito.
   You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
   

Three drunks hailed a taxi...

16 Jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day!

1.Q: Why are murders in Tasmania so hard to solve?
A: Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

2.A British man is visiting Australia. The customs agent asks him, “Do you have a criminal record?” The British man replies, “I didn’t think you needed one to get into Australia anymore.”

3.Q: If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
A: Australian!

4.Q: How many Aussies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder.

5.Q: What do you call an Aussie in the finals of the World Cup?
A: The referee.

6.Q: What do you call a farting Aussie?
A: Ned Smelly

7.Q: What's the difference between Cinderella and Melbourne FC?
A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

8.An Aussie said, “Take away your snow capped mountains, culture, and good food, and what would New Zealand be?”
The kiwi answered, “Australia”.

9.Q: What do you call an Aussie with 100 girlfriends?
A: A farmer

10.Q: Why is Australia such a dry country?
A: We don't have a king or queen to reign on it.

11.Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?”
The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”

12.Q: Why did Tasmanians evolve to grow two heads?
A: So they can have an intelligent conversation when they visit the mainland!

13.Q: Where can someone visit for 2 hours in Melbourne.
A: St Kilda via Punt Road.

14.Q: Want to hear a joke about the construction industry in Australia?
A: Too bad, they're still working on it!

15.Q: How do you know when you're a hipster bogan?
A: When your coffee machine costs more than your washing machine.

16.Here's something you didn't know...Your taxi driver was a surgeon before arriving in Australia.

#HuganAustralianDay

Billy Gates writes to Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.

I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.

I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's stuff?

Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.

What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.

Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.

Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.

That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.

Best of luck,

Billy Gates