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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 31 May 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 31 May 2014

An old man goes into the Socia...

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)

An Antartian named Babbette fi...

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.29/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (7)

How old are the dinosaur bones...

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Big pizza

Big pizza - Big pizza for the whole family | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Why Did He Fire You?


Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

Lost in the woods

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions:

an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?

A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player.

The other two indicate you have been

hallucinating.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Ants In Yer Pants

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

A: He got pissed off.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (6)

“I refuse to work wit...

“I refuse to work with compost, it's degrading.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (9)

Too Much Hunting

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 November 2012
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Two Lions

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 May 2012
  • Currently 2.84/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (56)

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac...

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 May 2011
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (54)

Donald Glover: We Get It

Its kind of redundant -- have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybodys like, Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it. Its just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that its kind of redundant. I dont go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 31 May 2010
  • Currently 3.35/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (49)

Martha Kelly: Preparing for Office Work

Its been a couple of years since I actually worked in an office, so I thought I should do something to prepare to get back into the typing, filing and phone answering, and what not. So what I did was I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool, and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool. And then just as I was about to suffocate, he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 May 2011
  • Currently 4.06/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (47)

Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"GOD LOVES YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 May 2009
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (27)

A trip to the movies...

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. As he handed the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I went to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself this evening. We have sound now."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (18)

How's Norma?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother, in her weak tremulous voice said, ''Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse told me that Norma is doing very well.. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work is normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me s**t.'

Found on https://allnurses.com/norma-t270187/, posted on Mar 22, 2009 by HeartsOpenWide.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (50)

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