Jokes of the day for Thursday, 05 June 2014

A funeral service was being he...

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

“Digest is morbid hum...

“Digest is morbid humor.”

Sign of the times...

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: 'What does the cow say?'

Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'

Child: 'Meow.'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'

Answering Machine Message 156

Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony laughter.)

Terms for Penis

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking

together about how a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a

gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a

patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the

front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain,

because it goes down after the act.

Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a

rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

Blind Dinosaur

Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us.

Smart man + Smart Woman = Roma...

Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

The Date

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says,

"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".

Funny Quotes from Gore

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

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"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

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"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

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"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

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"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

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"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

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"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

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"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Contrary to popular belief the...

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

The Advil Commandments

So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."

William Wilson: Hot Brick Church

We just had an old brick church. Its like a barbeque pit, just hot -- HOT. Everybody in theres fanning. Old ladies got them old funeral parlor fans, they just fanning. Im sweating. And the preacher, If you dont straighten out, youre going to hell! Im like, Well, what is this? Practice?

teeth

If your toddler has more teeth than you, you might just be a redneck.

>Picture: AP

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

Picture: REX FEATURES

Having lunch one day, a sex th...

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."