Jokes of the day for Saturday, 26 July 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 26 July 2014 |
Sick Duck
A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."
Frugal...
Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant.
He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.
Her paper read: "Frugal: to save."
Sentence: "Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. She yelled 'Frugal me, Frugal me!'"
Phone Book
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it." The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"“The woodcutter stret...
“The woodcutter stretched every morning before starting work. He was a limberjack.”
Osama Bin Laden'
One day Osama Bin Laden is thinking: What should I blow up first? Then Osama Bin Laden said: "I have decided! bring the servent girl and tell her to get on her kneesand tell her to sacrifice her self!"Chuck Norris can take an arrow...
Chuck Norris can take an arrow in the knee.Ed Zachary
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,
'OK, take off all you crose.'
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,
'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I
ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'
Confused the woman asked,
'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr Chang replied,
'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arseâ
A pregnant woman gets into a c...
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
Alcohol warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Scary Collection 29
A ghost joke
How do undertakers speak?
Gravely!
A vampire joke
What do vampires think of blood transfusions?
Newfangled rubbish!
A ghost joke
What did the polite ghost say to her son?
Don't spook until your spooken to!
A ghost joke
What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Ghoulash!
A cannibal joke
What happened if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water!
A cannibal joke
Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
He gives them runs!
A ghost joke
What do ghouls do when they're in hospital?
They talk about their apparitions!
A policeman sees a little girl...
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?" “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!" “Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it." TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTER
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTER David Letterman, April 23, 1997 10. Named his hamsters 'I' 'B' 'M'
9. Every day after school, eats his weight in silicon chips 'n' salsa
8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat look just like David Duchovny
7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus
6. Refers to having sex as 'Logging On'
5. His name: Carl. His Nickname: 'Carpal Tunnel Carl'
4. During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel
3. He calls you 'WWW.DADDY.COM'
2. Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill Gates
1. 2 Words: 'Cyber Acne'
Children and Cars
Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
The best 2018 Oscars jokes
“Put the kettle on. I’m bringing Oscar home”
Gary Oldman paid tribute to his 98-year-old mother in his acceptance speech for best actor, telling her: “Thank you for your love and your support. Put the kettle on. I’m bringing Oscar home.”
Lupita Nyong’o and Kumail Nanjiani, were joking about being actors with unpronouncable names. Nanjiani explained that his real name was Chris Pine. “You can imagine how annoyed I was when the white Chris Pine showed up,” he said.
Let's not have THAT again this year
"This year when you hear your name called, don't get up right away. Give us a minute, we don't want another thing. What happened last year was unfortunate.""
"The Shape of Water"
"We will remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish."
Get a clue Hollywood
"Here's how clueless Hollywood is about women. We made a movie called 'What Women Want' and it starred Mel Gibson. That's all you need to know."Not all about the money "In fact, of the nine best picture nominees only two made more than $100 million. But that's not the point. We don't make films like 'Call Me By Your Name' for money. We make them to upset Mike Pence."
