Jokes of the day for Sunday, 04 January 2015

A young Scottish lad and lass

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' ... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin' ... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts! Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin' ... perhaps its aboot time you let me put ma hand on yer leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Head hog....

One day a man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this, the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the church building fund . . ."

To this, the secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

 Ohio Crazy Law

It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.

Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.

Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.

No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.

Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.

Breast feeding is not allowed in public.

In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.

It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.

Bay Village

It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road.

Bexley

Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Clinton County

Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.

Cleveland

It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!

Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

Columbus

It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.

Fairview Park

It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbor.

Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission.

Ironton

Cross-dressing is against the law.

Lima

Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.

Lowell

It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour.

Marion

You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.

North Canton

It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.

McDonald

Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.

Oxford

It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

Paulding

A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.

Toledo

Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.

Strongsville

Catch 22 is banned.

Youngstown

Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.

You may not run out of gas.

#joke #policeman #animal #dog #horse #snake #tiger #cow #whale #fish #mice #sport #hunting

A little Boy was about to eat

A little Boy was about to eat a plate full of delicious meal for Dinner when his mom notice his urge to eat the food, she quickly ask him "have you said your prayer before eating that meal", The Boy replied "No I won't because I Don't want to give 10% of my Dinner".

Husband and wife are waiting a...

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

Specimen Bottle

Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn't take much more.

One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container and used poured it into a urine specimen cup the nurse had insisted he fill.

The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen glass. In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."

Steve put on his angry face, snatched the bottle out of her hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer this time."

Political Pampers

How are politicians like diapers?

You have to change them both often, and for the same reason.

A husband asks his wife, "Will

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

A man and a monkey walk into a bar

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The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there.

The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!"

The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."

The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.

A couple days later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball.

The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He swallowed the cue ball!"

The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."

The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.

A week later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar, picks up a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender says, "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Your monkey stuck that cherry up his butt and ate it."

The man says, "Yeah, ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

“I searched for desig

“I searched for designer compression stockings. My wife says it is because I'm so vein.”

Immaculate Misconception

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What happened?" asks the priest.

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies: "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

A young man wanted to get his ...

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

Industrial logging isn't the c...

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Mr. Johnson was overweight, so...

Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

He said, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”

When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor told him. “You did this just by following my instructions?”

The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean.”

“No,” replied Mr. Johnson, “from skipping.”

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Leaves of the Book

A little boy opened the big Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"