Jokes of the day for Saturday, 10 January 2015

Ability

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said

"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"

Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"

The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!"

Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"

Once upon a time, inside a tes

Once upon a time, inside a testis, there was a sperm that started Bodybuilding. Jogging, weight lifting, yoga and every possible way he adopted to become a strong and healthy one. His sperm friends asked him the reason.
He told them frankly, "Friends, we are cores in number and everybody has a very short life span except the one who meets with the female egg and survives. I want to be that surviving one."
The reason was so genuine that every sperm wished to be the surviving one and all of them started exercise. Hundreds of health clubs started in both the testes with one and only one aim that whenever time comes, everybody would run faster to reach the egg and fertilize it.
And the time, at last, came. Everybody took the position and started running...
However, one of the experienced sperm immediately closed the exit door and shouted, "Go back friends, we have been deceived! This man is masturbating!!!"

Two guys were sitting in a dou

Two guys were sitting in a double hole outhouse doing their business, when #1 gets through and pulling up his pants, a quarter falls out of his pocket and falls into the depths of the hole. As they both peer down the hole, #1 pulls out his wallet and throws a 20 dollar into the hole. "What did you do that for?" inquires #2.
#1 replies "You don't think I'm going to climb down there for a lousy quarter, do you"

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP Y

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN ..
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forgetabout the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctorI want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Yourinsurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into twocategories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longerparticipating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has anoffice just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the namebrand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomachache. Whatshould I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform aheart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

A stage....

During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"

 Your Dentist Is Crazy

The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy

1. Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
   
2. His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"
   
3. Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
   
4. Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.
   
5. He...ummm..licks his tools clean.
   
6. Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
   
7. When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
   
8. Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
   
9. Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
   
10. Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.
    

Bunny balls

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?

A: Because they have cotton balls.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Confused Boy

Q: Why was the Egyptian boy confused?

A: His daddy was really a mummy.

How do you know Barbie is not

How do you know Barbie is not a slut? Because her legs don't open.

Well done burger joke

No matter the medium, a well done burger joke is rare

Ambitions

'I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.'

George Carlin(1937-2008)

Picture: AP

“After going litter p

“After going litter picking I found I was very knowledgeable in litterature.”

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go."

The Perfect Man
The ...

The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.
He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.

Rebecca Corry: False Advertising

I dont believe anything I see on TV. There was that herbal shampoo commercial where the ladies were in the shower using the shampoo, and theyre having orgasms. I went to Costco and bought the family pack of that. I was in the shower all weekend. The shampoo does not cause orgasms -- the bottle does.

Be My Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Chelsea Handler: AA Meetings

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- Ive never needed a drink more badly in my life.

The other day I held...

“The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.”